Bloomin'

Bloomin’

The Passport was created for women to find their “stamps” as they journey through life in search of purpose and contentment.

Disclaimer: If you get something out of this, that’s great. And if you don’t, God bless you and thank you so much for reading this.

I never really know if I’m growing or going through something, I do know that you have to GROW through what you go through and you have to go through it to move into a new place, whether that’s mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sometimes  physically.

But again, I’m uncertain if I’m being dramatic AF and panicking because things are shifting around me and is that a good/bad thing? I’m not sure...

However, it’s March and the name of this stamp is BLOOMIN’

I’m currently obsessing over all things floral, rose colored, garden tips on Pinterest and anything related to Spring. I made the theme for my weekly emails to single women, “Bloom Where You Are Planted” and basically it’s for the women who can’t afford to pack up and move to a whole ‘nother city just to heal and start over, it’s for the woman who actually likes their job but still wants to glow up and boss up, it’s for the woman who doesn’t want to cut everyone off to figure out who she is…it’s pretty much for the girl whose comfortable YET still wants to grow.

And that’s okay.

Some of us ain’t interested in jet-setting, starting businesses or saving every single one of our coins.

I get it.

And it’s OKAY.

Bloom where you are planted is for me as well because as much as I dream about this oh so fabulous life in New York or even expensive ass Los Angeles for the time being I’m in Atlanta and although I would love to pack up and start over, it’s not that easy to do right now. I have soul ties here and that’s another stamp for another day.

Today I didn’t admit to not one thing about myself but a few, well actually these past few days I have been knee-deep in another book and as I inch closer to the finish line I’m learning that I often see so much of myself in my characters and maybe that’s why I am so invested and care so much when I pass them over to my readers to love as well.

I told my mother today as we headed to a business brunch meeting that I think I’m done caring. And I’m not claiming to have easily turned into this billy bad ass who doesn’t need anyone. It’s simply about where I am right now and what I believe I need from people.

And she told me, “When you’re 100, nothing or no one can add to that” which simply means that yes, none of us are perfect but if you can confidently believe that you bring the dinner to the dinner, table, fork and napkin included, then I am talking to you.

For a few months now and honestly, I may have felt this way longer it has only recently bothered me, well let me back up and say that when I started going to therapy I realized that I had strained relationships with people.

 And when I say strained, I mean that there wasn’t one solid relationship that my therapist could point out.

She asked me who was my person.

Who did I lean on, who did I depend on, and who was morally there for me.

Vice versa.

And after we went through the list of people who I assumed was my ‘person’ she sadly smiled at me and then shook her head to tell me that they weren’t and I was enraged.

I gave her facts for each person and all she heard out of my mouth was what I had done for them or what they had done for me... not what I thought they were doing for me on a whole other level.

She told me that I connected a lot of my relationships to material things, and no, it didn’t make me materialistic it was what I was raised to see.

It was how I was brought up.

Currently, I’m reading the five love languages by Gary Chapman and it’s convicting me but it’s a good conviction because I have learned that my love language is words of affirmation.

I don’t need gifts, I don’t need touchy, I’m not a physical person I very much enjoy sex but I won’t die if I don’t have it.

I don’t like kissing, I’m not interested in hugging and have only recently started holding hands with my boyfriend.

And she told me that I felt this way because this is what I saw.

I never saw my father kiss my mother or tell her how he felt openly.

He "showed' love with gifts and being the provider.

And now in relationships/friendships, this is what I use to measure them. Sadly.

Love, affection, admiration or adoration...

I never saw these things happen in my home.

So recently, I began to reach out to my dad, long after I decided to end therapy, a lot of what she told me, I knew deep down…was true.

And so I sought out to repair these connections and strained relationships.

And it started with my father, whereas I always felt that the reason why I moved how I moved was because of my…mother.

And I’m sure she’s to blame as well.

But right now we are good and it’s my dad that I want to desperately fix our relationship.

On this morning for the fifth time and I’ve been keeping count on how many times I have reached out and I told him that I missed him, tremendously and that I loved him.

And that I wanted us to begin to spend more time together and talking more.

And no, I don’t want to talk about money, and my business and my savings and the house, and stocks and investing and I don’t want to talk about that.

I want to talk about how I’m doing and how I’m feeling and what I’ve been through and how you know…I just want my daddy.

I think that I need my father right now.

I’m lost and you know, even at my age considering being successful and all of that shit, I still find myself on a path of uncertainty and I want my father.

And so instead of seeing the pain in my voice, or even hearing it he told me that I had my mom and my boyfriend and didn’t need him and wasn’t “stunting” him so I told him that was far from the truth and blah blah and before I allowed myself to get mad I walked out of the room.

Pushing the conversation to the back of my head as I do everything when I’m trying to press forward I knew that later it would come back up.

And so here I am.

It’s really hard to grow where you are planted if you’re planted on unstable ground and bad soil..

And I’ll be the first to admit that shit isn’t solid every day.

I find myself being the listening ear for so many people and you know it’s like are you listening to me? Do you even have a clue that I’m possibly going through something.

And for so many of us, we are the strong ones, we are the ones constantly doing the pouring.

But who pours into us?

Where is our pitcher of hope and faith?

My mother couldn’t say much when I told her that I decided to step back from attempting to even try with my dad again.

All she could say was she understood and I wanted her to tell him how I felt and she wanted no parts.

I’ve accepted that some of us aren’t trying to change.

And some of us can hear people’s words and still be completely unaffected.

I’ve silently voiced how I felt in relationships and friendships for many years to the point where I ain’t got shit else to say no more.

But, it takes a lot to open your mouth and say, hey I need you.

I need more of you.

I’m trying to grow where I am planted and I can’t do that because I need to deal with xyz first.

So I wrote this for you.

I wrote this for the person that needs to seriously see some change in their life instantly.

Not in 3 months.

Not in a year, not by their birthday but right now.

In the am, tomorrow afternoon…tonight…you need to see some things shift.

So what advice do I have for you…for us?

Bloom anyway.

Bloom when you feel oh so fucking alone.

Bloom when people don’t get you, love you, listen to you, understand you.

Bloom when you don’t know wtf you’re blooming for or where you’re going or where you’ll end up.

At the MTY retreat one of the speakers said that once she stopped focusing on the destination she was able to enjoy the journey.

So maybe if we take the invisible deadlines off life then we can soar.

Then we can really live.

We can really smile and celebrate the little things and savor life’s gems.

I don’t know why I shared that story with you, on the outside looking in, families can be so perfect.

And I’ll be the first to tell you that mine is far from it.

However I love them more than I love anything else in the world and I’m in deep prayer about my feelings.

My ill feelings, my good feelings, my harbored feelings…all of it.

The past, present and the future.

I’m blooming though.

Not letting that stop me from going where I am destined to be.

I’m in this place of “what to do”.

So desperately do I want to know the why of everything.

Why do people do this.

Why does this not work out.

Why was I born this way.

Why do I think every single through.

Why do I give the way I give why do I forgive why do I see the silver lining in all situations.

Why do I push the away people why do I pull some closer.

You know the “why” has my mind so boggled right now.

And I’m getting it together.

Writing is therapy in pure form.

So we have to bloom.

We have to strive to be the best version of ourselves that we can be.

We have to remove the mask and get on our knees and pray.

And ask God send us signs of wonders.

We need discernment to understand why things are happening and why are we being treated the way that we are.

We have to press on when we are hopeless.

And have faith when there seems to be no way out.

We have to plant good seeds.

We have to water ourselves when the pitcher seems dry.

Bloom.

Bloom.

Bloom.

With love

Nako