R E M I S S I O N
Remission is defined as the act of remitting, pardon; forgiveness, as of sins or offenses. Abatement or diminution, as of diligence, labor, intensity, etc.
The relinquishment of a payment, obligation, etc.
A temporary or permanent decrease of subsidence of manifestations of a disease.
A period during which such a decrease or subsidence occurs.
I ain’t been doing good.
If I’m allowed to be honest…transparent…honest….as real as it gets.
This has been a very emotional week for me.
I’m either crying or writing my frustrations away.
Church was right on time for me Sunday morning but now what? What’s the tool to keep that happy go lucky, God can provide spirit for the rest of the week.
How do I keep the smile on my face and the tears at bay when I’m not at church?
Gospel music helps… reading my devotionals all of that helps but now what?
I need something stronger.
Because I’m currently fasting, a drink won’t do it.
Sex can’t do the trick either.
I can’t stop thinking about what’s not happening, who I don’t have, I can’t shake this empty feeling, this what if and weary cloud that’s over me.
It won’t go away.
Yesterday during a very emotional and heartfelt conversation that I had with my mother and sister.
We cried.
We cried.
And we cried so much more.
You know, you never know what someone else is dealing with and it’s not too often that I really just open the flood gates and let it all out.
Not me.
My mama.
And especially not my closed-off and extremely private sister.
I left my parents’ house yesterday three times and came back.
There was no peace at my own home and it was like I tossed and turned and couldn’t…refused to be there.
So if I’m allowed to be honest today, I am in remission.
Yes, my mother just fought and won a battle with stage 3 colorectal cancer and is currently in remission. But I told her that I’m in with her. Last year, I put the pieces of my life back together after one of the most emotional break ups I’m sure in history, I finally was able to smile again.
I promised myself I would never be back in that place again.
Over and over, I told myself that I would never feel less than. I told myself that I would never feel like I’m not enough, or an option, or ugly and fat.
I would never have to use prized items to seek attention and affection from another man.
It wouldn’t be me.
Again.
In friendship, I wouldn’t be the one giving, giving, and giving some more.
And you know this was something we discussed yesterday, ‘where are those people now’?
You know the ones that even in the midst of our problems…our hurt, we were still being supportive and there for mother fuckers, but where y’all at now?
I blocked a heap of people, family included.
I was tired of listening to everyone else’s problems but never had anyone to open up too and vent.
I was tired of always going out of my way to make everyone’s day when literally it’s never done for me.
Ever.
It frustrated me because I wondered why people never treated me how I treated them.
Do I ever cross anybody’s mind?
Even to this day, I’m always planning a good time for “close friends” and then I scroll their social media and I ask myself sometimes sadly… “Where is my invitation?”
That used to hurt me.
I said I’m in remission.
Because I realized that it’s hard to rid yourself of old habits.
Bad mindsets.
And former flings.
Growth is never comfortable and although trekking into new territory can be exciting, it’s still fearful.
I’m in remission because oh how quickly can I revert back to my old ways and forget how far I’ve come.
I shared with someone the other day that life happens in seasons.
Man, I am a walking testimony.
I have done some things that only me and God will ever know.
I have hurt people, made mistakes, engaged in gossip and betrayed myself over and over again.
I never made an excuse for my actions because I was raised right.
I knew what morals, standards and most importantly integrity was.
So I’m in remission.
Sometimes when I’m home alone I look at my old pictures and turnt up videos and I cry…
I miss that life.
But then I don’t.
I make so much money and I literally get to wake up every day and do what I love…so why would I miss the old days?
Or maybe I should say the old me.
The me that wasn’t worried about bills, insurance, career moves, interest rates and everything else that adults tell us to not rush into being grown.
Or maybe the me that lived life every day and night until the sun came up.
Or maybe the me that didn’t put so much thought into relationships and relations.
The me that could lay down with you and not care if you didn’t call me the next day.
In today’s times, I am extremely sensitive and I’m crying more than I’m smiling and it saddens me so much.
I’m in remission.
Currently, I’m waiting on GOD to say yes and no.
Yes to this and no to that.
I don’t ever want to be in a position where I can’t hear from Him, clearly.
Yesterday, my mom opened up to us about her journey with cancer. And it pained me because as much as I thought we were her support system and we had helped her get through this we really couldn’t.
Not in that context.
We couldn’t sleep with her at night, mentally.
We couldn’t be in the bathroom with her.
On the table while she’s getting labs done.
She’s dealing with herself…remission.
Yesterday, I wiped her tears, she wiped mine.
And in return we held each other.
We ended that emotional night with a much needed prayer.
What I have learned this week is the importance of accountability.
I don’t consider myself the friendliest person but I am a good friend to so many people.
However I don’t see myself being completely vulnerable to anyone other than my mama.
I needed yesterday because I had been holding so much in.
And the dam finally broke.
I shared with her a lot.
And do I feel better today? Not really. Lol
Even as I type this, mother has sage burning and gospel music playing.
She anointed my head with oil and said a prayer of joy for me.
Prayerfully that works.
Cus I need it.
Remission.
We all want to be this amazing person but what are the steps to get there.
That’s my million-dollar question.
Remission.
I can’t go back to that broken place.
I can’t go back to not feeling like I’m enough.
I can’t go back to engaging in idle conversation and spending more time worrying.
I can’t go back to that dark and insecure place.
Remission.
The devil’s job is to kill, steal and destroy.
Always.
Remission.
Today I’m going to try to keep a happy smile upon my face.
Remission.
Today I’m going to stay focused and get this book done.
Remission.
No matter how overwhelmed and weary I feel right now because a miracle is needed and an ounce of satisfaction from everything I have done thus far will make me feel so much better, I’m going to smile.
Remission.
God is love and He loves me even when I don’t feel the love from anyone else.
That alone will keep me focused.
Remission.
Say this with me, if you will.
God, in spite of my current situation I trust You. I give my fears, setbacks, insecurities, worries, prayers and my desires to you. I leave it all at Your feet. I trust that You will handle all things according to Your will and your way. God I love you and I love you for loving me. God I need You at this time.
With love,
Nako