For many reasons I wanted to title this stamp, “Salvation” and then I thought about “Validation” as well…but I ended up with “ TWENTYFOUR” since I really wanted to share this new chapter with The Passport. I turned twenty-four this past Sunday and I wasn’t excited. I called my father later on that night and told him that I could tell I was getting older and the adult life was settling in, because I wasn’t filled with ounces of excitement. The day was extremely calm for me, my friend and family posted the tear-jerkers posts and text messages but still…I wasn’t oozing with omg it’s my birthday.
I wondered was it lack of progression that had me so quiet and from that day up until this morning’s service at church did I realize that it was salvation. It was a lack of fullness.
Prior to my birthday I was contemplating several things, going back to school at the beginning of the year, bringing my writing career to a halt, breaking up with my boyfriend who betrayed my trust and overall took me and our relationship for granted, cutting arguably the most closest person off to me and undergoing a weight-loss surgery….so yeah, I had a lot going on. Tons of things crossed my mind to the point where my birthday was a blur to me. On the morning of my birthday I woke up and started working on that week’s to do list until I told myself…girl it’s your birthday close that notepad and enjoy life.
God had given me another year, another chance, opportunity and moment. And I was taking it for granted.
Today at church, my Pastor paused service and asked us to thank God….simply for salvation.
Not for a raise on our jobs, a new car, an upgraded lifestyle, but for salvation.
For Him saving us and bringing us a mighty mighty long long way.
So then of course being the over-emotional person, my face flooded with tears and I was led to ask God for forgiveness.
Often times in my personal life, I’m so caught up in whose not doing this, what went wrong, what I can’t fit, what’s not selling that I miss the simplicity of life. the little things that bringpeace, joy and contentment. It had been so long, soooo long since I was thankful for HIM. Merely His presence in my life.
From that moment I asked God to replace this empty feeling of not being enough, being rejected, overweight, mistreated, behind on life and without a degree and to fill me up with the fruits of the spirit.
It’s hard trying to hold it all together when your past haunts you and when you flood your brain with your mistakes, sins and how people have wronged you. I asked God to help me forgive others and myself as well.
I’m not enjoying the year of 24 so far,…at least that’s what I kept telling myself but then I had to remember that I had a best friend that didn’t even make it to her sixteenth birthday so who I am to mourn about things that will change in due timing…in God’s timing.
In my free time I defined the words salvation and validation and I’ll explain why but please read the definitions first.
Salvation is defined as preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin or loss.
Validation is defined as the action of providing or checking the validity or accuracy of something.
Writingfor me was a source of salvation, at one point in my life it was what kept me alive….true story. It was my saving grace, The Connect’s Wife and then I sort of forced myself to write others books and then life struck again and I was able to heal through the pen by creating In Love With A Brooklyn Thug and then once again, Stranger In My Eyes…I almost hate how much I crave my laptop whne I’m going throguh something. It’s like no one can fix me other than getting my thoughts out in the form of characters.
I write better when I’m lost, weary and broken.
In a period of uncertainty about certain people in my life I create a memoir that I plan on sharing very soon.
In a period of not knowing what my next step was I started my next self help-book, Where Is My Purpose…so I’ve been asking myself what do I do now when writing isn’t saving me. It’s no longer my salvation. At least not fiction books.
This puzzles me.
I start therapy tomorrow and I’m anxious to release my thoughts. To get an opinion or hear a second voice about things that I’m dealing with and situations that I seem to not be able to let go of.
The other day I made a huge decision to fall back, all the way back. No longer will be so accessible. Not to people, including family and friends but mainly to my readers. When I first started everything was so exciting, I loved the support and the intimate experience that I had created in my reading group which extended to people coming into town to enjoy life with me, texting, talking and telling them all of my damn business. I made several mistakes my first two years as an author up until now and I’m like no more.
I no longer have the need to feel validated in my career and I pray that doesn’t sound cocky or anything because that’s not the case but I have enough confidence to know that there is a gift dwelling on the inside of me and people will either support me or not. I’m in a place of simplicity and needing to only hear and deal with one person outside of immediate family.
I’ve learned these past two months that people will never treat you as good as you treat them, in fact they’ll treat people who don’t even do half of what you were doing better.
And I’ve accepted that.
Validation and Salvation.
My head is in a weird place and until I figure out what’s really going on with me, mentally…I don’t need the validation. Or the extra conversation.
Writing is possibly still my salvation but in this season, it ain’t doing it.
God is doing something new.
In the year of 24, I have faith that this is the year of excellence.
And in all things that I do put my mind too, I want to be led by God and Him only without worrying if it will satisfy others.
Validation and Salvation.
Disappointment hurts.
Rejection burns.
Infidelity stings.
Being unappreciated will take a toll on you.
I’m pretty sure I didn’t write this stamp for you but I want to leave you with this.
Until you are in love with you, until you are content with who you are as a person, until you have enough faith that your current position isn’t your permanent place of residence then you’ll forever be searching for some kind of validation.
Whether that validation will come from men, women, family, friends, a job, status, social media…you’ll always be looking to be accepted by everyone else except the people that really matters and that’s God and self.
Until you develop a personal relationship with the man above and can find peace in His word then you’ll forever be searching for acceptance and happiness in material things.
My pastor rebuked the crap out of me today when he asked us to thank God for salvation. I hadn’t realized that my prayers had been full of thanks for the things He had blessed me with.
My heart pained as I asked Him to forgive me for being so shallow.
I’ll be the first to tell you that you can’t buy loyalty, love or any of those things. You cant even buy happiness, trust me I know.
I realized that you can bend over backwards for people and it still won’t mean nothing at the end of the day.
I’ve given my all to everyone except self.
And now, self-care and self-love is my number one priority.
When you find yourself, whether it’s for the first time or the millionth, you’ll be filled with a peace that can’t be described in words.
It’s okay to heal in solace.
It’s okay to cry and be honest with yourself when doing so.
Write it all out.
Get you some closure.
It’s my prayer that this meets you where you are and blesses you as it has blessed me simply for getting my thoughts out.
*deep breath*
Be Free
Be you
Be mindful too.
With love,
Nako